Crumbles

December 17, 2012 § 3 Comments

Days die the quiet death of night and another month goes by without a post. WordPress to Facebook link is not working still so I have to manually advertise my posts, not something I am happy to do.  I am still laptop less with not one hour a day I could dedicate to myself. And the list of things I have forgotten to write about is getting so long, I do not know if there is a point at all to document this kind of a life.

I do not know where to start and how best to tell this story of mine. How to speak when words are failing and most importantly how to live with this storyline which seems to be leading nowhere. I pray in the middle of the night when nightmares wake me, I pray like a child with my needs laid out  in front of my weak arms, with my fears bigger than the dark, I pray for this and that but all I want is to feel safe again. To not care, to not know that there are questions to the answers, to sit in the shade and watch the grass grow. To know that if I hug, I will be hugged back, to know that I am important, beautiful, amazing and that I have nothing else to worry about.

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§ 3 Responses to Crumbles

  • twictor says:

    the spur of moment rides on a tide … to feel and express the feeling in writing is not a responsibility rather it is nurture-given; more like breathing, no one can tell the time exactly for taking breaths to keep you alive! 🙂 Live it girl with feeling and let it out on paper when it comes available… Hugs :_)

  • jocelynr says:

    oh Julija, if only virtual hugs were as good as real flesh ones.
    I dont want to cause more damage in the layered wet Kleenex of your liver (what a beautifully painful image!) but i do know for certain that there is Grace for your pains and fears greater than the dark. I hope one day you find it in abundance.

    So glad you have begun writing again here. I missed you. Surely there is something(s) in your life you can hack out, albeit painfully, to make room for a regular time of writing therapy? Consider it a gift to your future self. And to me, because i find a sad lack of good blogs written by literary minded people i know online.

    • biblepanic says:

      I keep thinking about it and there isn’t much I could sacrifice. The good (great) news is that E has started working full time this week and two incomes is much better than one, hurrah, I can now invest in a little nice laptop for my own use, which means I will not have to write in the office. The problem is though that I come home at 7pm, eat, talk to E and B and it’s bed time for B. We are then so tired that we talk a little or watch a film and go to bed. So writing would mean not spending any time with E in the evenings. That is if I want to write a little every day. An evenings are usually packed with less exciting things that need doing too – cleaning, tidying up, cooking for the following day :S…Having said all that, even if I write something every weekend, that would be a big achievement for me.

      (thank you for all your kind words)

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