Happy Birthday to Me

June 15, 2013 § 3 Comments

bday

Almost there. 15 of June 2013. The last day of being 30.

The day comes and the day goes. A year goes by, too. I live a life I really cannot complain about under any circumstances but what would be a point of saying life, everything.. is perfect? Some years go by and you do not remember them, some leave scars which remain visible and tangible, crawling all over your skin and jumping off your tongue for a few decades to come. 30 was that year for me. It was not a good year and maybe I was not good, and maybe, just maybe, I wish I could erase it from my memory and heart completely and pretend everything is perfect. Now that would not be fair as I would be erasing a part of me as I am today for the sake of keeping me as I was prior to things unravelling.

When I was younger, birthdays were a little bit more organic than they are now – less pretence, more spontaneity. At some point I started disliking them completely and began looking for ways to escape the occasion – I would hide it from friends, not mention it at work, wake up miserable and go to bed miserable. Nothing was right on my birthday – not the amount of happy birthdays, not the quality of the presents or the honesty of my friends. Birthdays turned into a self-fulfilling miserfest – the days would be doomed from the onset, no cure for the ill, no salvation for the damned. And then I hit 30 and after a series of unfortunate events, I started looking at it all in a very different light. Why escape something I should be celebrating? I know it sounds bizarre me saying this as this is the day most people celebrate in which ever way they can, but for me this was and still is a very new concept. I have this new-found desire in me to celebrate my years to come.

30…the last day of being this. So what was so wrong with this year? Well, just about everything. Or everything I believed to define me. I learned that people never change and I have seen enough proof to know that the only change that takes place is personal and internal and because of that, anything else that looks like change in people surrounding me is nothing more than a momentary lapse in judgment before the person gets a grip of themselves and gets back to their old habits and desires. I learned that falling out of love is one of the most intense and excruciating experiences anyone could go through. I learned that I am a lot stronger emotionally than I ever thought I was. And that I have an immense amount of kindness in me despite of how terribly people treat me. I found out what it was like to be a part of a beautiful family and then lose it and lose a huge part of me in the process. I learned to not trust anyone. I saw the face of a lie and how easy it is to believe, follow and live it. I also learned to be more honest with myself and trust my gut instinct more. This would have saved me a lot of midnight tears. And most of all, I learned how temporary everything is, especially feelings of fear, loss, anger, pain and love.

It was not all that bad after all; I have rediscovered a few old friends and have made a couple of new ones – a skill I believed to have lost ages ago. I have read a few amazing books and watched a number of incredible stage performances. I fell in love with cats and I saw junior lose her first tooth, start reading books with the speed of an adult, grow over night so much so that some days I do not recognise the child she is today. I saw how beautiful the country I chose to live in is and how much I am yet to do with my life.

And I feel like 31 cannot be worse than 30. Of course, it could potentially bring more pain and sorrow into my soul, but I refuse to lose control this time – for the first time in my conscious adult life I am not expecting anyone to make any fuss on the day, or make a fuss about me  in life in general, I am not expecting any presents, I am not expecting my family to call or email me to congratulate me. All I want is to hold on to this lovely feeling of hope and let it take me through the next 12 months with my head high and my heart pure. And I am starting a 40th birthday fund right now so  that when the day comes, I can climb a mountain, look down where I came from and cry the tears of happiness having felt and seen as much as I have. Happy beautiful birthday to me!

A little something that helped me write this late night post:

Kas sugrąžins į baltą pradžią mano širdį
Mano širdį
Kas, kas
Mano širdį

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