a little bit on life and growth

August 15, 2013 § Leave a comment

“Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it’s less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you’ve lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that’s good.” 
― Elizabeth Edwards

Someone once said that we do not grow absolutely, chronologically. Same as you could not expect the flowers in a bunch to blossom simultaneously, the petals on each head will open in their own time, unevenly, to their own tune. Our minds and bodies and souls are relative and grow unevenly: adults in body, children in heart, somewhere in between are our souls: not yet mature, but no longer innocent. At any one point in time either one or the other will be weak and childish, when the other triumphs in suffering and all the good that comes out of it, if anything does come out of suffering other than emptiness. I am yet to see the constellations of light permeate the black.

No other experience has shown me as much as suffering has, but it did something else, too. Something I did not account for nor expect. It bent and broke my heart into an unfamiliar, unrecognizable shape. I can hope of course the new shape will work as well, or be even better at battling the world (people) and its wild terrors but at this point in time this ‘new reality’ with its new colours and shapes and sounds feels much like a deep dark wood where everything is gargantuan and the spread of light is too remote to believe in. And so we come to a point of ‘putting together something that is good…’….what is good in this? Am I capable of building anything at all with my trembling hands?

“Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, ‘This is the real me,’ and when you have found that attitude, follow it.” 
― William James

What makes me most deeply and vitally alive is loving, caring, helping someone which in this ‘new reality’ of mine seems like a joke. What made me feel most alive was also what lead to my destruction so how do I take it back into my hands and build on it? How dare I do that to myself?


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